To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Half the people you know are below average.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

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