God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends

My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now

Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Liberal Arts Major....Will Think for Food

Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen

Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed

In Dog Years, I'm Dead

Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener

If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You

The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard

Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well

A Day Without Sunshine is Like................Night

First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's Just One of the Risks You Take To Live Here

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?

BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer-holder.

All men are idiots... and I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people...He made SO many of them.

I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either!

Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them